The Next Chapter
For women ready to take control of their lives — in love, money, and identity.
Reading this title, the word “control” jumps out at me.
For most of my life, I’ve never been about “control.”
As a matter of fact, my life has largely been out of control.
Consider the barrage of messages we hear every day:
“Take the bull by the horns!” “Make it happen!” “If it has to be, it’s up to me!” We’re taught to: “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps”, and be our own hero!
For a highly sensitive girl growing up in an insensitive, emotionally dysfunctional family, statements like these felt like mountains I could never climb.
In the heart of every child there is a seed. In a healthy, loving, supportive, emotionally mature family system, the seed within the child takes root and lays the foundation for her to become an independent and securely attached adult.
Kids aren’t that different from other living things, like flowers or trees. Living things need nourishment. The nourishment that children need is tender, emotionally aware, caring attention- and plenty of it!
Even though my life’s work is helping women to “take control,” I’ve gotta be honest- it has never come easily or naturally to me.
Perhaps it wasn’t always this way.
I was born brave. The baby girl with two older brothers, I accepted the dares they gave me. Once, when I was about 4 years old, my brothers dared me to jump off the top of a ladder. I climbed up, jumped off, and broke my arm! ha! I didn’t hesitate. I felt no fear. I wanted to show them how brave I was. We lived in a big, beautiful home, and I remember walking down the hallway in the pitch darkness, feeling absolutely fearless. I loved the darkness; it was mysterious and inviting.
I didn’t have to take control, yet I was in control. I was in charge of myself. I was an autonomous kid, naturally brave and courageous. I had perfect faith and I was secure.
Then….oh then, my fellow humans…then the plot thickened and the proverbial shit hit the fan.
When I was 5, I witnessed my parents having a loud and violent fight. As I stood there, like a deer in the headlights. I watched my father push my mom, causing her to fall back on the couch. I saw her head hit the floor, landing on the glass milk bottles, breaking them as tiny pieces of glass got stuck in her scalp. I heard my mom screaming: “No Roy, No!,” as he ripped the phone from the wall. Looking back, I feel such compassion for everyone in this scene. For Susy, the innocent 5 year old, for my mom, the terrified wife, and even for my father; the wounded, unconscious, angry man who didn’t know any better way to be.
Maybe no one in my family was in control.
How can a grown woman “take control?”
How do we learn how to do this?
Is taking control a necessary component of a successful adult life?
Perhaps we can pick a better word. Maybe the word “control” just isn’t the right word.
In sexual intercourse, women receive. We are the keeper of the egg. Eggs don’t have to chase or fight. The egg emits a signal, attracts the eager, swimming sperms; all vying for her attention- and the egg chooses to allow ONE single sperm admittance (unless she wants twin, triplets, or more.) The amount of sperm can be upwards of one billion! Women, let’s pause for a moment here. Imagine- If we saw a billion men running after us- would we rush to pick the first one we saw? Seriously, how many of us are as selective as our eggs? This may sound ridiculous; yet- stay with me sister-
I’ve never felt like a queen. At best, I’ve felt like a princess, and at different times in my life that devolved into a servant girl soon enough after realizing the truth of what it meant (for me anyway) to be a wife. You know all that work we do as wives, and mothers? All of that is unpaid labor. Of course, we have the love of our family; but when the financial dynamics in a couple shift to the husband controlling all the money- beware. It is not a healthy, nor sustainable relationship vibe. It certainly wasn’t for me.
This brings us back to the idea of control.
As a child, I observed my parents, totally out of control.
As a woman, I experienced a lack of control due to financial imbalance and the shifting of power.
Now, I help women “take control.”
Perhaps a better word than control might be the word choice.
I think what happens for so many of us is that as we follow our heart, our intuition, and our deeper desires; we can lose ourselves in our feminine roles. I know this happened for me.
When I met my husband, back in 1996; I was fresh out of a hyper sexual, physically abusive relationship with a Greek drummer, Scorpio/best-sex-I-ever-had-guy. It was intense. Thank God for Prozac. Taking that medication gave me the self control I needed to calm my rage so that I could leave him with equilibrium and a sane mind.
Meeting my husband felt like serendipity. All the stars aligned and this was IT. He was the ONE. Three years later we got married, two years after that we had our first child, and our second baby three years after that.
After decades of a crazy ‘love life,’ I was convinced that domestic bliss and my forever love had arrived.
The idea of taking control faded away as I felt that a force stronger and wiser than me was in control of my life.
All was well at first.
After three miscarriages, I was able to have my son when I was 41, and my daughter at 44- miracles both! I’ve worked with women for over 25 years and have seen the heartbreak and helplessness of infertility and all kinds of pain we go through as women and mothers. I don’t take any aspect of being a mom for granted. I realize how lucky I am.
How can we take control of our lives? What does that really mean?
For me it means, waking up every morning knowing that I’m in charge. It means feeling free to be exactly who I am and to live a life aligned with my authentic Self. Yes, that’s Self with a capital S.
For most of my life, I didn’t know who I was independently of my relationships. Because I didn’t feel safe in my family, it became my job to manage the adults around me. There wasn’t a safety net for the kids. The adults were wounded, argumentative, explosive and ‘out of control.’ I remember trying to discuss this with my mom once, and she just said: “we’re Hungarian,” as if that explained everything. ‘Nuff said.
“Love , Money, and Identity”
How is your love life? What is your relationship to money and power? Are you happy with your identity?
These are the things you can change. These issues come to the surface in the work we do. You can be free from the negative effects of your past. The first step is awareness.
Are you in control?
How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
I help you write your Next Chapter. You don’t have to do it alone, and you can change the ending anytime. You can even re-write the past. I can show you how!
Love,
~Susy
Find me in these online spaces:
Schedule a call@: https://susyporter.com/
Substack: https://susyporter.substack.com
Personal FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/susan.porter.7777
Business FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/SusyMemoir/
Instagram: susypb_
Nice post Susy! Thanks!
Peter